if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
