just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
