i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
