Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
