Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
