my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I can't trust your balls anymore.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
