don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
