Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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