In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
