I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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