I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Randomize
