I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
