Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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