Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
