I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
