She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
