thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
