Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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