I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Randomize
