just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
