I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
