Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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