My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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