Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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