My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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