I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
