Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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