so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
