We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
