When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
