you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
