Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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