Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
