I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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