she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Houston, we have a blender
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
