dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize