He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
