i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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