i was born a porn star she said
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
