She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I need to wash the frat house off of me
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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