WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
