So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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