Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
