how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
