Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
