Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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