I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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