i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
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