Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
