8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
There's always time for handjobs
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
