This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
