Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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