How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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