I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
