I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
