All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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