I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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