She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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