maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
