I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
As shirtless as possible
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
