you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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